From Keyu to Keyu
Nothing’s changed. Everything’s changed.
My birth name is Keyu Linghu. Linghu is a very rare last name in China. Only 42,000 out of 1.4 billion population (0.003%) in China. It is also one of the longest history dating back to 2,300 years ago when Duke Jing of Jin awarded a fief called Linghu in Shanxi to Weike, who inherited the fief name as last name going forward (source). Most likely due to the rarity and therefore the need to keep strong hierarchy, there is a family book in the hand of my grandma. I saw the book when I was very young, though I had never really taken any interest in learning about the history at the time. I remember vividly that there was a page listing all the first character to use in the first name for generations to come. I don’t know who wrote this list and why he chose these characters out of over 50,000 out there, and the sequences, but it was something that the family follows strictly. In the list, I found Ke (克) after Chang (昌), which is my father’s first character of his first name. I felt sacred connecting to the ancient family roots but at the same time not comfortable that I was somehow already given identities before birth. I also saw Jin (金) after Ke (克), which defines the generation after me.
Image: my name in Chinese characters and pronunciation
Ke (克) means overcome or conquer. Then my grandfather named me Yu (宇), which means universe. So the combination of Keyu is way too ambitious for a girl. There was an incident where my primary school classmate asked her parents that she would like to hang out with Keyu after school. Her mom said yes but stalked her kid on the suspicion that she was dating some boy prematurely, only to find out that Keyu is a girl.
I had never had issues with (or simply thought about) the name Keyu growing up, until I started to learn English in the middle school. Everyone had to choose an English name in class and be called by the English one during the class for the purpose of practicing. I guess the “name” should be interpreted more appropriately as alias than name. But I didn’t know at the time, nor did I care. There were suddenly a lot of David, James, Jack, Olivia, and Angela popping up, and in no time these names were circulating outside the English classroom. I chose Jessie because of Jessie James. Together with the English pop songs and tv drama shows such as Friends, The Twilight Saga, and The Gossip Girl, Jessie seemed just as cool. It was another identity that put me closer to the language I would like to speak and the life I would like to live.
Relocating to the US alone when I was 16 wasn’t easy. First of all, Chinese reputation was not that well-received. The best case scenario is that it does not add negative perception, that people keep an neutral respect, but at the same time it does not add an rosy touch to the profile compared to someone coming from countries such as France or Singapore. Second even compared to the Chinese peers, my birth place was (is) not considered as attractive. A long-standing Chinese idiom is 黔驴技穷, meaning that the donkey from Guizhou has exhausted all tricks. The phrase applied in situation where someone was less of what he appears to be, that there is no real ability but only some awkward bluffing techniques. So during the same class where most Chinese peers were from Beijing or Shanghai, I was hesitant to introduce my name because the rarity would trigger the interest and then the follow-up question on my birth place, which I did not want to be associated with. Last but not the least, as both syllables of Ke Yu was not natural pronunciation to native English speakers, and I wanted to be as “culturally fit in” as possible - not necessarily people-pleasing, just that no extra burden for others (how funny now that I look back on the thought). So I started introducing myself as Jessie a decade ago and have kept it ever since, including all my socials, company email, and signatures.
黔驴技穷
Literal translation word by work: Guizhou Donkey Skill Exhausted
It was an identity that I recognized with, in my own perception at the time, until I do not anymore. I started to think about identity and community five years ago. When I visited back home, I did not feel like I belonged. My old-time friends were having a different life, working 996 (9am to 9pm, 6 days a week) but was still complained by some nitpicking boss, who perhaps enjoyed the power by exercising the right than anything else. I don’t understand why pleasing the boss was more important than serving the business, and I don’t understand why work meant so much, taking 120% of their time and killing all creativity on personal pursuit. When I came back to the States, I tried my best to fit in, and I made quite some good friends, thinking that was the manifestation of fitting in. But whenever I put in a job application and declared that I am Chinese, my exceptional quantitative skills and academic achievements were taken for granted, as if they were by heritage and not by education and hard works. I don’t, again, understand why there are certain characteristics assumed due to looks and birth place, because people are too busy to look beneath the surface and understand idiosyncrasies from unique experiences.
I was not happy, not being able to find belongingness. Then I realized that something was wrong. I closed myself up and created another identity, trying to wash away my cultures and experiences, the very things that actually make up my uniqueness in knowledge, thoughts, perspectives, and identity. The reason why I did that was because I thought someone else, somewhere else, is living a better life, having greater opportunities to make dreams happen. The truth is, the more I know and understand every day struggle, privileges and discriminations, lifestyles and pursuits, worries and concerns, the more I realized that it is all the same. As the Chinese saying goes, “all crows under the sun are black." Another saying is, “diamond shines wherever.” Depending on what perspective you look.
I wanted to change. I wanted to feel calm and settled. I wanted to take what I was given and maximize what I am capable. But first, I can no longer run away from me. I need to take me with me to go wherever and do whatever.
I moved to a different place, started a new job, met new colleagues and friends, and entered into a new relationship. I improved my relationship with my family, significantly, by letting my parents into my life much more than before. In return, my dad introduced me much more into his business world. Hearing his rise and fall, and bravery to start new ventures all over, I started to realize how great of a place where I come from, and how lovely people are, overcoming struggles through passion, innovation, and tenacity. I started to think back on my childhood, how happy I was, and my achievements after going abroad, how brilliant I am. Before, somehow I couldn’t see what I have done, only what I don’t have, and thus stuck in the trap of the hedonistic treadmill. I brought myself into the healing process, opening myself up and examining my vulnerabilities and prior refusal to deal with those vulnerabilities. It was a true self discovery and it was so transformational and powerful that I realized I would never want to be anybody else than myself. I would never trade my parents to anyone else’s, and I would never trade my experiences to anybody else’s.
There is no one sudden life-changing event. There might be a moment of change for each event, with gradual build-up of momentums. I had my car plates to my last name than the first. So perhaps there were thoughts already emerging years ago of whom I really identified with. I registered my website with my real name sometimes in 2020, as I was getting clearer at the point that I would eventually grow out of Jessie. Then I changed all my socials and LinkedIn to Keyu sometimes in 2021, because Jessie didn’t feel naturally anymore. I finally pulled the trigger and requested a name change in the company, when I was invited to be a part of selected panelists. First I didn’t want people to search Jessie Linghu on LinkedIn and got confused, and second I really didn’t agree with Jessie Linghu anymore, and it was weird to look at the flyer printing so. The words just burst out that “sorry guys one more thing. Could you please change Jessie to Keyu? I am going with my legal name and just requested the change to HR.” Immediately after the call, I sent a note to HR and requested the change.
Image: my customized plates in LINGHU
I was healed, perhaps by my family, my Danish sweetheart, or myself growing up and understanding more. I made peace with myself. I accepted who I am, and I am proud of who I am. Somebody wrote a stupid donkey story hundreds of years ago no longer bothers me. If someone is biased by name, country, title, race, or body, that is the person’s problem, not my problem. I would in fact be very happy to introduce people behind the rare name, the Maotai liquor produced in my region, and the special flower tea made out of extremely rare and valuable plant, dendrobium nobile. I feel truly honored and have deep respect for my origin.
Image: last time I was home in January 2020. Weather wasn’t good, but I was very happy. Hope I could travel back later this year!
Left to right: my cousin, my mom, Lars, me.
Do I feel ashamed? When I was trying to be someone that I am not, I did. But when I peeled myself open and dropped the vulnerabilities, I suddenly felt the most freedom I have ever had. I feel confident in who I am, what I do, and where I am going by knowing where I am from. It has been a truly liberating experience, because it was much more than a name, it was self acceptance, appreciation, and pride. Such energy is very uplifting and powerful, allowing me to explore the world whole-heartedly and confidently, without losing sights of my lovely family, my beautiful town, and my very interesting cultures.
I hope you do, too.
